Vicious Strays
by Doomthatimpends
Summary: Necrophiliac monks with a necronomicon help our boys perform necromancy to save the world? Huh?Spander!
1. Prologue Thingy

A/N: Okay so I started this story a zillion years ago and ran out of inspiration and then the other day I was sitting on the bus wondering why the lady in front of me hadn't discovered deodorant yet and my muse attacked. I went home and sat typing from 6 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. when migraine induced blindness forced me to take an unpleasant break. And now I have it. Its unbetaed so all mistakes are mine, but here it is.

This takes place in a Buffy quasi mid-season four kind of place. Anya never came back after prom and so the Scoobies are all in a flirty kind of place. Buffy with Riley, Willow with Tara, and Xander with...um. guess! snort And yes. my version of Buffy is insane. Why do you ask?

- indicates thoughts

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Prologue thingy!

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Xander woke in the middle of the night and then proceeded to spend a few minutes trying to figure out why he was awake. He listened hard, but heard nothing. Looking around his room in the dark, he could see nothing obviously out of place. He was just starting to drift off again when he jerked awake to an unpleasantly familiar sound. There was a thin window near the ceiling over his bed that he usually kept cracked open an inch at night to keep the basement from being dank, damp, and stuffy instead of just dank and damp. Through that crack he heard the wretched yowling of a very large, very mean tomcat.

Xander sighed and pulled his pillow over his head to try and block out the sound but the persistent creature knew exactly what he had to do to get what he wanted. He kept yowling under the window. "I put out your milk, dammit! I'm not letting you in you big mean bully! Go play with some vampires!" Xander called, exasperated and desperate not to have to get out of bed. The yowling continued. After a minute wallowing in how much he hated that damn cat he rolled out of bed and secured his blanket around his shoulders and shuffled across the cold floor.

When he opened the door the huge orange tomcat gave him an imperious meow and waited primly for Xander to step aside as instructed. He grumbled and moved out of the way and watched the evil cat high-step into the basement, surly human shuffling obediently after him. "Don't you have any poor defenseless rotweilers to be torturing?" He asked. The cat ignored him and jumped up on his bed and turned to face him, meowing another order. Xander sighed and crawled back into bed and rearranged his blankets. A moment later a purring lump settled on his feet and Xander was permitted to go back to sleep.

Spike was about two minutes from throwing a tantrum to rival all tantrums when he heard the sound of someone approaching from outside Giles' apartment. He remained on the couch where he'd been building up to a Watcher-induced screaming fit and listened to the footsteps.

As far as Spike could tell, there was only one being outside. Whoever it was scampered up to the door, dropped something heavy on the porch and ran away like hell itself was on its heels. Spike looked to Giles who was still hovering over him yammering on and on about blood and mugs and forks in the toaster. The only other person in the flat was Xander, who could care less if Giles blew a gasket on the vampire, so Spike decided it was his duty to interrupt the old blow- hard before he vented his delicate Watcher-rage on himself.

"You expectin' any deliveries, mate, or is the package on your doorstep a bomb or somethin' equally fun?" Giles halted mid-lecture and blinked owlishly at the vampire.

"What are you blathering on about, Spike?" Spike snorted. Pfft, yeah, I'm the one blatherin' on. Watcher needs his bloody ears checked. Spike got to his feet and strolled casually to the door. He swung it open, appearing casual, but ready for explosions or flaming paper bags. When he got a look at what was on the porch he sighed disappointedly. Xander and Giles had come up behind him to see what he was talking about. Upon seeing it, Xander turned to Giles excitedly.

"Look, Giles! One of your old books followed you here all the way from England!" He turned to the ancient-looking tome on the welcome mat. "Thats a good book! Thats a good, smart book! You get a treat!" Spike had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing at the moron's severely whacked out humor, or just hitting him to shut him up. Suddenly the boy paled and looked concernedly at Giles, who was studying the cover of the book curiously. "It didn't really, though, right? Its just a normal, not evil homing pigeon book, right?"

Spike allowed himself a smirk at the boy's worry and then turned his attention to the book itself. It was old. Really old. And it smelled, too. Sniffing idly, he blinked at the myriad scents rising from the book. There was a lot of dust, sulfur, oil from human hands, and an overlying odor of sex. Spike puzzled over it while Giles carefully picked it up and turned it over to study the binding. Either the book was a sex-manual or the thing frequently saw hot sweaty booky action. Spike snorted and affected a bored look as he returned to his sprawl on the couch.

"This is amazing!" Giles exclaimed after a moments study. Spike rolled his eyes at the Watcher's original response. "This is a Necronomicon from the Order of Blahblahblahblah..." Needless to say, the book wasn't nearly as amazing as the Book-Freak thought or Spike and Xander would have paid attention.

So as Giles nattered on about the wonder and greatness of the Book-that-smelled-like-sex, Spike and Xander stared at the television. and the wall respectively.

The only other person to take an interest in the Book was Willow when she arrived later. She listened with shining eyes as Giles extolled it's virtues and then got Buffy to distract him with patrol talk while she got it alone. As she studied its scrawled writing and strangely familiar smell, she decided that deciphering it would be her new project and wondered if Giles would get mad if she highlighted some of the text.


	2. Home Invasions

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Home Invasions

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"Spike. You're here. Why is that?" Xander asked the vampire who was sprawled across his bed watching television. It was all of two in the morning and he'd gotten up from his excessively empty bed to go to the bathroom. When he returned from the bathroom he found a bleached dead guy had invaded.

"I missed you're charming face." Spike answered dryly, not moving his eyes from the television screen. A glance told the exhausted man that he was watching Cowboy Bebop on Cartoon Network. Xander rubbed his face with one hand and scratched his belly with the other. I'm so coordinated. He thought absently. "Nice shorts." Spike added, still without looking at him. Xander blinked at him, wondering how he knew what he was wearing. Then he looked down to remind himself of what he was wearing. A thousand scantily-clad Switchblades grinned sexily back up at him. Thank you, Home shopping network.

"And where in those two sentences was the reason for your presence?" He asked, trying to wake up a few more brain cells so he could deal with the dead guy in his bed. He didn't have the energy to get pissed yet, but he could manage snippy. Another look at the vampire revealed a split lip and a black eye and a bit more sense to the vampire's visit. "You get your ass kicked so now you're hiding." A two-fingered salute and still no eye contact was enough of an affirmation. Xander sighed. He's hundred and something years old and he still acts like a ten-year old... He was too damn tired for an argument just then so he stumbled over to the bed and crawled under his covers. "Just take off your damn boots." He ordered and shoved said boots off his pillow. Spike ignored him, but didn't put the boots back on the pillow. Xander flipped the pillow over to the cleaner side and settled his head on it.

He stretched out his legs and scowled when his style was cramped by the vampire. The guy was compact and all, but Xander found that he was much like the big evil tomcat that came around every so often. Spike had the uncanny feline ability to increase his body-mass and personal gravity at will and like most cats, he seemed to use that talent to irritate people. Xander gave him a tired kick and turned to face the wall, intending to go back to sleep.

Half an hour later he was in a semi-doze, half-listening to the mindless drone of the television and the incongruous sound of Spike breathing. Curious, he lifted his head and looked over his shoulder to see the vampire in the dim flickering light of the television. He was curled on his side on top of the blankets, duster off and converted into a pillow, sound asleep. His black eye was already fading and the split lip wasn't distinguishable in the bad lighting.

Xander scowled. The least he could do its turn off the friggin' t.v. Dad's always bitching about the electric bill and now I'm going to get nagged again and its too loud too. Crap. I hafta turn it off but the bed's warm and I'm tiiiiired and Spike sucks! He spitefully pondered kicking the defenseless vamp off the bed, but his annoying sense of fair play got in the way. No fair attacking the unconscious. He'd kick him when he was awake.

He finally hauled himself out of bed and staggered across the basement to flip the t.v. off, mourning the disappearance of the remote once again. He was on his way back to bed when the phone rang. He scrambled to answer it before it woke his parents and picked it up in time to see Spike's head pop up, startled, hair mushed all funky. He snickered at the bewildered vamp and turned his attention to the phone.

"Hello?" He answered, giving an internal prayer that it was a wrong number and not news of the impending doom sort. God ignored him.

"Xander, we've got a problem." Buffy's stressed voice informed him. Oh yay.

"What's up?" He asked, glancing at Spike, who was already sleeping again, after having pilfered Xander's pillow, that is.

"Me and Giles were just attacked, we're okay but Giles' place is trashed and we need to get out of here but Giles lost his keys. Can you come pick us up?" Xander was already shoving his feet in his stuffed lobster slippers and trying to remember where he'd put his keys.

"Sure, I'll be there in a minute. Will there be anymore fighting tonight? I've got the Chipped Wonder for backup if you need him." Spike flipped him the bird again without indicating that he was awake.

"I dunno, bring him. And then later you can tell me exactly why you have Spike handy in the middle of the night and then I can threaten him for you." Xander grinned at her tired attempt at a joke.

"We'll be there in a minute." He reassured her and hung up. "Wakey wakey, vampire. We've got a damsel in distress to chauffeur." He rethought the lobster slippers, figuring they would be a bad thing if there was another fight and pulled on some jeans and his sneakers then the yellow t-shirt he'd wore the day before. He didn't want to abandon the just hauled out of bed look completely though, in case he could use it to guilt Buffy later if she gave him lip, so he pulled on his ratty blue robe instead of his jacket and didn't even bother with his severe bed-head.

Spike was up and dustered and still looking half-asleep when Xander turned to head for the door. The vampire followed and even locked the door behind him so Xander didn't have to. Apparently he was less vicious when sleepy. Xander pondered the possibility of keeping the vampire drugged on Valium to promote friendliness as he backed the car out and headed towards Giles' place.


	3. A Tornado With Sharp Things

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A Tornado With Sharp Things

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Spike had actually managed to doze off in the car during the short silent trip to the Watcher's flat. He hadn't realized just how much his earlier ass-kicking had taken out of him until he'd collapsed on Harris's sad excuse for a bed. He was glad that the moron'd been too tired for an interrogation just then. He was humiliated enough, having been kicked out of his crypt by a bunch of migrating homeless kids. He didn't need his chip rubbed in his face anymore that night. 

When the car pulled to a stop he woke enough to raise his head from the window to take in the Slayer and her watcher's state. The Slayer was standing, leaning on the old man, her left leg showing bloody gashes through the rips in her sweatpants. She looked tired and a little pale, Spike felt infinitely better about his crappy night. The Watcher looked a little bit better than his Slayer, he was dressed normally and had only a little cut and bruise on his forehead. He was supporting Buffy with his right arm and clutching a stack of books in the left. When the car stopped, both gave a relieved look and the old man helped Buffy limp closer to the car.

Spike stayed put, lighting a cigarette when Xander jumped from the car and scrambled around to help the pair. Spike listened lazily as they loaded the wounded Slayer into the back seat and took a few frantic drags at his cigarette, hoping to drown out the tempting smell of her blood with tobacco. It wasn't entirely effective, but he was too sleepy to get too worked up about it. He ignored her complaint about the smoke and kept staring straight ahead, feet propped lazily on the dashboard.

Giles got in next to the slayer with his precious bundle of books and started fussing over his Slayer's injury while she repeatedly told him that she was fine. Xander got back in the car and cracked Spike's window so the smoke would escape. Soon they were headed down the street.

"So what was it?" The boy asked after a minute. Spike recognized the route as one that ended at the Slayer's house.

"I believe it may be a poltergeist of some sort. A very powerful one. It resisted all attempts I made to expel it from my home." Giles answered. Buffy's answer was shorter and made Xander smile from what Spike could see of the boy.

"It was like a tornado with sharp things." She supplied. "Maybe we should keep the weapons chest locked, Giles. It makes me sad when my own weapons feel the need to hurt me." Giles just hmmed at that. "So what's with Spike? I thought he was all crypt-guy now." Buffy asked, changing the subject while Giles tried to read one of his books in the dark car. Spike chose not to acknowledge her question. If she was going to talk like he wasn't there, the he might as well ignore her. He settled his cheek back against the cold window and closed his eyes.

"Hmm, well, remember when I told you about that big mean tomcat that prowls around my neighborhood beating up all the escaped house cats?" Spike opened an eye to peer at the idiot driver. What does a cat have to do with me? "I was letting Spike hide in my basement until he decided to beat on something else." Buffy snickered at that and Spike snorted. The little yarn wasn't exactly flattering to Spike but it distracted everyone from the truth so he didn't call the boy on it.

They pulled up then and Xander rushed around the car to help Buffy out. Spike considered going back to sleep in the car while they all putted about inside, but didn't like the idea of sleeping out in the open. He climbed out of the car and yawned his way up the walk behind the others. Inside he found himself slumped tiredly in a chair while Queen Buffy got to lay on the couch. Xander rushed around getting a first aid kit and Giles used a pair of scissors to cut the slayer's pant-leg to knee-length.

Spike ignored his growling stomach's reaction to the smell of her blood and leaned his head back on the chair's cushion with his eyes closed. He hardly registered Joyce's concerned voice until he heard her ask if he was alright. He opened his eyes and flashed her a reassuring smile. She smiled warmly back and turned her attention back to her daughter.

"Perhaps we should all retire for the evening and all get together for research in the morning after we've had a chance to recover?" Giles suggested after Buffy's wound was bandaged.

"If you change that 'morning' to afternoon, then that might just be a wonderful idea." Xander offered up. "Research party at noon? Here?" Giles looked to Joyce for permission and at her nod he nodded to Xander. "Great, I'll call Willow and tell her when the sun comes up." Spike watched tiredly as Xander helped Buffy, asleep on her feet, up the stairs to put her to bed.

"I'll make up the couch for you, Mr. Giles." Joyce offered. Giles gave her a tiredly grateful smile. "Will you be staying, Spike?" She asked him politely. Spike roused himself enough to shake his head. He needed to get away from the smell of Slayer blood. He hauled himself out of the chair.

"No thanks, love, I'll be going with Harris." He said through a yawn and stumbled to the door as Xander came down the stairs. Xander didn't even acknowledge him as he said his goodbyes, looking ridiculous in his jeans and bathrobe, but he waited until Spike was in the car before pulling out. Spike dozed again until they reached Xander's house and then followed Xander inside on autopilot. Xander didn't even bitch when he crawled back onto the bed in the same place he'd slept earlier. The boy'd simply crawled into his own spot and they were both asleep in no time.


	4. A Terrible Tragedy

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A Terrible Tragedy

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"So did Spike run off after you left last night, Xan?" Buffy asked in an obvious attempt to avoid the book that Giles had assigned her to investigate. He looked up from his own unwanted assignment with a grin that conveyed both his knowledge at her irresponsible distractions and his gratitude for it.

"Nah, he only stumbled a bit and that was too the car and then too the bed, where he no doubt remains even now...jerk." Buffy gave him a weird look. "What?"

"Think about what you just said, Xander. Spike slept in your bed last night?" She wiggled her eyebrows and grinned at him. "Is there something you aren't telling us?" Xander scowled and threw a handy couch cushion at her. They were both sitting on the couch that had served as Giles' bed the night before. Willow and Giles were in the kitchen discussing something magic-related rather heatedly while Giles made tea. Buffy and Xander knew better to get involved in their magic "discussions".

Buffy easily dodged the projectile cushion and laughed at him. "Oh c'mon Xander, if you and Spike are bumping uglies then you should come clean now in case I walk in on you two necking and think he's having a snack. Dusty gay lovers probably aren't any good in bed." She giggled at him. The idea of Spike and Xander was so strange that she couldn't help but tease.

"Ah, well, you've found me out. Spike's my nasty demon lover and even now he's recovering from the best sex in his unlife." He deadpanned. Buffy blinked owlishly at him for a moment before bursting into giggles.

"Omigawd for a second I thought you were serious!" Xander sputtered and swatted her with a cushion.

"Nice to know you have such faith in my sexuality. You know how I love the womens..." He scolded her. She just giggled at him until stopping suddenly and wrinkling her nose up cutely.

"Oh dear god I have a mental picture!" She gasped, then turned an appraising look on him that had him squeaking and hiding behind his book. "And suddenly I understand why lesbians hold so much appeal for men..." She grinned. He was threatening to hit her with his book when Willow and Giles came into the room again. Willow was clutching the book that had appeared on Giles' doorstep a month earlier. Giles was frowning, but they didn't mention what they'd been arguing about. Willow settled in a chair with the book and started flipping through it sullenly.

"Buffy, Xander, I'm afraid that we will have to risk making another trip into my flat. The books I brought last night aren't nearly enough to ascertain the true nature of this threat." Buffy jumped up enthusiastically. She was tired of sitting around and her wound from before had already healed to a shallow scrape. Xander hopped up as well.

"Lets go liberate us some books!" He enthused. Giles gave him an odd look. "Books that only like to be read by Watchers and witches and hate being abused by the filthy hands of Slayers and their chauffeurs." He trailed off and Buffy rolled her eyes and gave him a sarcastic thumbs up.

"Nice attempt, Xan. A bit shaky on the dismount." She whispered to him as they left the house side by side, followed by a bemused Giles.

"How shaky?" He whispered back.

"I'd say a 9.0." She surmised. "On the lame-ass scale." He stuck his tongue out at her and got into the car.

Xander hadn't seen the damage when he'd picked them up the night before, but now that they were approaching the scene of the attack, he was a bit stunned. The place was destroyed. As Buffy had said, it was like a tornado of knives had torn through the place leaving huge slashes in almost every surface. Xander wondered how the hell Giles had escaped with only a bump on the noggin.

Buffy ventured into the wreckage first, ready to leap out at the first sign of a renewed attack, but it was quiet. Giles looked to Xander. "We must move quickly. Buffy will watch while we get what we need. Stay close to me and only take what I give you." He ordered. Xander nodded and then scrambled to follow the older man as he entered the battered doorway past the surprisingly unharmed door. The attack hadn't left the flat.

The two men moved quickly to the shelves while Buffy stood watch. Giles quickly started loading Xander up with battered books and then grabbed a few himself before he indicated that he was finished. They reconvened in the courtyard outside, Xander offloaded the heaviest books into Buffy's arms with a grin. "Join me in my pack-mulery." He requested gallantly. She rolled her eyes at him.

"Well nothing went all Peeves on us, Giles. Does that mean its gone or is it napping?" Buffy asked. Giles shifted a few of his books and started leading them back to the car.

"Either could be true but I would like to be sure before moving back in all the same. There should be a spell in one of these references that will help us discern the nature of the attacker and from whence it came." Xander did a quick Giles translation in his head and then grinned at Buffy.

"Someday he'll just say 'I dunno.'" He cracked. She snorted.

"And then the Hellmouth will open and little bunny foo-foo will come bop us on the head..." They piled their liberated books in the trunk and then got back in the car. "Lets drive-through Doublemeat and bring back some lunch." She suggested.

Xander shrugged and did as he was told. When it came time for money to be handed over Giles merely handed over a twenty with a resigned sigh that made Xander and Buffy exchange evil grins. "Thanks Dad!" They chirped in unison. Giles muttered something undoubtedly nasty under his breath. Xander passed the bags of food and drinks to his passengers and took off again.

"Oh, hey, has Spike hit you up for blood lately?" Xander asked him as he drove.

"Not in the past couple weeks, why do you ask?" Giles answered.

"Just wondering. He looked like crap last night, didn't he?" Xander commented. Buffy gave him a teasing look in the rear view mirror and started humming "sitting in a tree". He rolled his eyes.

"Actually, he did look rather...underfed." Giles agreed thoughtfully. "But I'm certain that if he was having too much difficulty feeding himself he would let us know. Loudly and annoyingly as possible, no doubt." Xander nodded in agreement but resolved to stop by the butcher later. It didn't seem smart to him to keep the back-up muscle all weak and kittenish from starvation. That and Spike was less likely to hide in his basement if he were strong enough to take care of himself.

When they got back to the house they found Willow talking on the phone and looking worried. They unloaded the food and books while she finished her conversation and turned her attention to them. "That was Stacy from down the hall, Buffy. Our dorm's just been trashed. She thinks it was a frat prank or something but it sounds more like our poltergeist..." She filled them in. Buffy looked stricken.

"Did...did it get in the closets?" She asked, pale, as she lowered herself onto the couch. "Tell me it didn't get my clothes!" She begged. Willow sat next to her and patted her hand comfortingly.

"Stacy says that your closet was locked like normal, but mine was wide open and everything was shredded." She said looking upset. Buffy hugged her.

"Oh Will, your poor clothes!" She moaned. Xander exchanged a look with Giles.

"What a terrible tragedy." Giles commented dryly.

"Too bad people didn't get hurt instead of the poor clothes..." Xander answered with a grin. The girls scowled at them.

"Yes, well, this is good in that it gives us a bit more to work with." Giles said, getting down to business. "Buffy, you and Xander go to your dorm and see if there is anything useful about. Willow, please check online for records of anything similar happening." He ordered, settling down with his books.

"Right, we'll do that. After food." Xander said and plopped down on the couch and reached for the bag on the coffee table. Willow and Buffy gathered around as well and Giles just gave another resigned sigh and reached for his fries.


	5. It's Not Christopher Lowell

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It's Not Christopher Lowell

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Xander returned home that night after a long exhausting and ultimately fruitless day of research. They'd narrowed the possible Bad down to something that was not a poltergeist, and not a vampire. So yeah, whole lotta nothin'. Xander entered his basement and carried the sack of pigs blood he'd gotten from the butchers to the fridge and put it inside. Looking around he saw that the bathroom door was closed and light peeked from the crack between it and the floor. The sound of running water indicated that Spike was showering. 

Xander flipped on the television for some background noise and set about making the individual packet of microwave macaroni and cheese that would be his dinner into something edible. He was just sitting down in front of an ancient episode of Star Trek on the sci-fi channel to eat his macaroni when Spike came out of the bathroom smelling of hair gel and Xander's cologne. He was wearing just his black jeans and Xander took a moment to seethe in jealousy over the demon's abs. I'm the one running around all day getting my ass kicked and doing physical labor for little or no money, and he's the one with the perfect physique. I hate vampires. The vamp was half-starved and it only made him look that much more defined.

Spike ignored his gracious host and wandered into the kitchenette to pick through the fridge. Xander hid a grin behind a forkful of mac and cheese when Spike threw him a startled look upon discovering the blood. "Why, peaches, I didn't know you cared!" He exclaimed with a smirk. Xander shrugged.

"You look like a teenage girl with an eating disorder, Spike." Spike scowled and pulled a container out of the bag and pulled off the lid. Walking over to the pull-out bed, he sprawled next to Xander on the end of it and took a sip of the pigs blood.

"You tossers figure out what roughed up the Professor and Mary-Anne last night?" He asked after a minute of Shatner's stunning acting skills.

"Well, its not a poltergeist." Xander informed him.

"Oh really, then what is it?" Spike asked, oozing indifference.

"Its not a vampire either." Spike gave Xander a 'duh' look that creepily resembled Buffy's look of the same name. "And we're pretty sure its not Christopher Lowell." He added with a grin. Spike raised an eyebrow. "And thats pretty much all we know, and we're not even sure about the Christopher Lowell thing..." Xander put his bowl on the floor and rubbed his face tiredly. "And seeing as tomorrow is Sunday and I don't hafta go to work, I will no doubt be following up on the nothing we found today. Oh joy." With that he thunked backward on his bed and kicked off his shoes.

The phone was cruel enough to ring then and Xander groaned from beneath his hands. "You get it, Spike. My arms won't move." He expected Spike to ignore him, knowing that Spike'd already exceeded his quasi-friendliness quota for the day, but he was wrong.

He heard Spike pick up the phone then snap. "What?" Xander let himself grin into his palms. He hoped it was a telemarketer. He'd overheard Spike bitching one out at Giles' place once and it'd been hilarious. Not that he'd ever admit it. "Sod off, 'e's dead. You lot killed him with your bad fashion sense and rancid puns." What? Xander removed his hands from his face so he could see Spike. The vampire looked bored. "If I killed the git would I give you the credit?" He asked after a moment. A bout of yelling audible from wear he was lying identified the caller as Buffy. Xander sighed.

"Gimme the phone, Spike." He said, holding his hand out for the receiver.

"Keep your frillies on, Slayer." He snarked as he tossed the phone to Xander. He fumbled it but saved the catch at the last second and put it to his ear.

"I'm here and not dead." He reported to the phone. He heard Buffy make a frustrated sound.

"Your little boyfriend is getting annoying, Xander." She teased after calming a bit. Spike choked on his blood. And glared at Xander. The brunet couldn't help but snicker. Stupid vamp should know not to eavesdrop.

"Wow, Buffy, if you were wondering how to make him hate you more, you just hit the jackpot." He told her. Spike snarled and went back to drinking his blood. "But really, think about how his rejection is hurting my self-esteem. You're making me face painful truths here."

"Oh, I'm so sorry if I've damaged you in any way." Buffy apologized overly sweetly. He heard Giles' voice say something snippy-sounding in the background. "Okay, enough small talk, Xan. We were attacked again and this time Giles heard chanting and wrote it down and then Willow saw it and it happened to be a form of gibberish that she recognizes so we can figure out what it is." Xander blinked and wondered at Buffy's conversation priorities. He was pretty sure attacks fell under a "get straight to the point" heading. "The brainiacs have more data to collate or something so I'm stuck cleaning up the mess, but I was told to tell you to get your butt over here first thing in the morning for some heavy duty book abuse." Xander sighed.

"Yes ma'am. I'll be there bright-tailed and bushy-eyed with coffee and such ." He promised.

"Good, seeya then," She said, then in a louder voice meant for Spike, "If you break his heart, Spike, I'll break your arms!" Xander groaned and Spike growled.

"Remind me to beat you to death with your own arm later, 'kay?" Xander said sweetly and got up to hang up the phone. "When the chip comes out make sure you smack her a few times for me." He told the vampire as he picked up his dirty dishes and took them to the sink.

"You could save me some time and kill her yourself." Spike offered magnanimously. He was pulling on his duster. "Ta for the blood, mate, if you need me don't call." He left the basement with a swish of leather and Xander waved absently at his back from the sink.


	6. Really Fond of Dead People

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Really Fond of Dead People

* * *

Xander half woke when his alarm went off at six in the morning then finished waking when someone that wasn't him smacked his alarm off. He sat up quickly and saw that yet again there was a bleached vampire sleeping diagonally across the foot of the bed, his boots by Xander's head, his duster-pillowed head on Xander's feet. Xander scowled at him for a minute, mostly pissed that he'd slept through a vampire breaking into his locked apartment and cozying up to his feet. He was lucky nothing more sinister than Spike had found him so out of it. 

He wiggled his feet under the duster hoping to annoy the vampire. His only response was growling rumble from the snoozing demon and an inexplicable increase in the weight pushing down on his feet. He really is like that old tomcat. Xander mused. He absently pondered whether he should start leaving blood out on his porch in a saucer for Spike.

He attempted to withdraw his feet so he could get up then, but was thwarted when the sleeping Spike wrapped a restraining arm around his ankle. Vampire strength was quite enough to leave him stuck. He sighed and stretched forward to prod Spike on the shoulder. "Spike wake up. Move." Spike made a negative noise and snuggled his face into his duster. "Seriously Spike, I need my feet. They're necessary for the walking." He prodded his shoulder a little harder. No response. "Dear GOD! Is that a wombat!" He yelled suddenly. Spike jumped up in shock, looking around for a threat. Xander took the opportunity to escape to the bathroom.

"Wanker!" Came the slurred insult a moment later. Xander grinned to himself and set about showering and dressing to go research big boring evil. When he headed out he noted that the vampire had taken Xander's place in bed, buried underneath the covers. He sighed in annoyance wishing the twit would take off his damn boots before he insisted on molesting his bed. He spent a few minutes on the way to pick up coffee and donuts pondering Spike. Things with the vampire had been strange lately. They'd hardly fought at all and Xander was trying to figure out exactly why. By the time he'd reached Buffy's house he'd come to a simple conclusion. The vampire was being nice to him so he was being nice back. As long as Spike behaved like a relatively normal person, he decided that he'd treat him as such. It was really much easier than constantly thinking up new and unpleasant ways to make the vampire hate them all.

Xander found the others in Buffy's living room looking much like zombie creatures. The living room itself was in a state of disrepair that must've set Joyce to wincing. Everything was shredded, the couches and chairs showing their stuffing, deep scratched in the table tops. "Wow." He commented as the zombies zeroed in on his offerings of sugar and caffeine.

"Actually it was more of an 'Aah!' at the time." Buffy said, already looking a bit perkier after a couple swigs of latte. "We were lucky Mom was still at work and Willow was at the dorm. Me and Giles already knew to flee before things got too slicey." Xander settled himself on the shredded couch by Willow who was engrossed in the book she'd been clutched the day before.

"Willow, my intrepid compadre, you don't call, you don't write. I'm starting to think you love that book more than you love me!" He teased. She flashed him a distracted smile.

"Which is actually a good thing since this book is what's going to get rid of the evil tornado of doom." She said and looked to Giles. Giles nodded and settled in a chair with another sip at his coffee.

"It seems that the attacks are related to the book." He said and took a bite of his donut.

"I've been studying it for a while now and I've figured out that its a kind of handbook for an Order of creepy monks who worshiped dead people." Willow continued for him. "Um...they reeeeeeallly like dead people...a little too much..." She babbled, looking creeped out. "At the end there's a warning about a ghost that haunts the book. They include a rather...detailed account of just why this particular ghost is so pissed and they have a ritual to destroy it."

"So whats the problem? We do the ritual, book monster goes bye bye." Xander said anxious to get it over with so he could go home and take a nap.

"Er...its not that simple." She said fidgeting. At their prodding looks she continued. "Well, I was wondering why the ghost was still all haunty when they knew how to get rid of it so I took a closer look at the ritual. They never performed the ritual because it requires a dead man to say the incantation and the monks didn't exactly have lots of dead men hanging around them."

"Which isn't exactly a problem for us," Buffy pointed out. "We're up to our ears in chatty dead people. Xander can just have his lover come read it." She caught the donut Xander flung at her head.

"Lover? Xander has a dead male lover?" Willow asked with a confused blink. Giles sighed. "Why didn't you tell me Xander? I'm supposed to know these things and I can't know them if you don't keep me informed!" She insisted.

"I don't have a lover, Wills. Buffy is just slaying a bad joke to death." Xander told her with a reassuring pat. "She'd right though, we can just have Spike read it, no problem." Willow nodded, looking at him suspiciously as if he'd be lying about his lover.

"Well I figured we could use Spike but theres a little issue with the rest of the ritual." She said, wrinkling her nose. "Its a little bit oogy."

"What does it say, Willow?" Giles asked impatiently. She opened the book to the write page and, making an "ick" face, summarized for them.

"Well there's pretty standard circle and candle stuff but then there's the dead guy chanting and then a living guy kinda has to make with the smoochies with the dead guy and then the-uh-sexual energy should transfer into the ghosty thingy and make it solid enough to kill, which will banish it to the next world." Willow explained in a rush. "Um...did I mention that the monks were really fond of dead people? Cuz they are. The ghost is the spirit of a guy the head priest killed way back in the day and took offense at what the priest...uh...did to the corpse..." The others stared at her for a minute then Giles pulled the book out of her hands to confirm what she'd told them.

"Um...so can we just sell the book on ebay and never see it again?" Xander asked, a thick feeling of dread building in the base of his spine. "Cuz yeah, I don't think anyone here's going to make out with Spike any time soon." He glanced at Buffy for support and saw only an evil smile. He shuddered and edged closer to Willow.

"Well Xander, isn't this an entertaining coincidence?" She commented and grinned wider when he shivered in fear.

"Well this is certainly an unpleasant turn of events, but it can not be helped." Giles said, handing the book back to Willow, looking slightly ill. He exchanged a nervous look with Xander.

"Can we hire a gigolo?" Xander asked hopefully.

"Oh Spikey!" Xander whirled to see Buffy speaking into the phone. "Get up and brush your teeth. Xander needs you for something." She purred into the phone. "You'll see when you get here. Xander'll pick you up." She hung up and turned her attention to Xander. "Well you better go fetch your date, Xan. He's waiting for you..." Xander looked to Giles.

"Help?" He requested. Giles gave him a look that clearly indicated that he was on his own. He scowled and turned back to Buffy. "C'mon, Giles is a living male too and he's soooo better at the spell thing." He plead. Buffy made a face.

"I am soooo not watching Giles make out with Spike, Xander." She said, ignoring Giles' snort. She grabbed Xander by the shoulders and propelled him across the room to the door. "Y'know I think I'll come with you too, just to make sure you don't run away." She dragged him out to the car.


	7. To Make a Ghost Solid

* * *

To Make a Ghost Solid

* * *

"What the bloody hell are you smiling at you freaky bint?" Spike's irritated voice snapped from beneath his blanket in the back seat. 

"I'm not even looking at you, Spike." Buffy lied cheerfully from the front seat where she was sitting sideways so she could stare at Spike's blanket.

"The hell you aren't. I can feel your eyes. Its making my skin crawl." Xander couldn't help but smirk at how creeped out the vampire was. Buffy was being downright scary and he was glad he wasn't the only one who'd noticed. "What's this spell about, Slayer. If its makin' you this perky it can't be good..."

"Oh we're just going to make a ghost solid so I can banish it. Its no big. We just need a dead guy for the chanting." She said smoothly, which wasn't so bad, but then she cackled. The hairs on the back of Xander's neck stood up.

"Pull this thing the hell over, Harris. She's possessed!" Spike insisted. The blanketed vampire scrambled back from the Slayer.

"She's not possessed, Spike. She's being evil of her own free will." Xander explained patiently as he pulled the car into the driveway of Buffy's house. "She's a pervert and we're here so go ahead and run for the door." Spike didn't stay in the car with the psycho slayer any longer than necessary, he was out of the shady car and running for the shelter of the house in a smoking flash.

Xander stayed in the car with Buffy for a minute longer. "You creeping him out isn't going to make him any more inclined to help us." He warned her. She patted him on the arm.

"Don't worry, Xan. He'll do it, he likes you." She smirked and got out of the car and headed into the house. Xander took a moment to bang his forehead against the steering wheel. During the drive he'd resigned himself to his fate, deciding that since it was for the greater good, he'd just close his eyes and pretend like Spike was Kirsten Dunst or even Johnny Depp if he had to face the maleness of it all. If he was going to kiss a guy it was going to be a hot guy, imaginary or no. With a final thunk against the steering wheel, he hauled himself out of the car and trudged up to the house.

He came into the living room just in time to hear a nonchalant Spike say. "How much dosh are you willing to fork over to make this happen?" Xander rolled his eyes and changed course to head to the kitchen. He had a headache. He let the others do the negotiating while he took two Advil's and picked at a bag of cheddar Ruffles on the counter. After a few minutes pretending like he wasn't hiding he headed back into the living room. "Fine. Just one condition, though." Spike insisted. "Privacy. Don't want the bloody Slayer getting a happy when she should be fighting now do we?"

"Hey!" Buffy started to protest but Giles, Willow, and Xander cut her off with a unison "Agreed." Buffy flopped on the couch and settled in for a pout session.

"Alright then. Xander, if you'll lend me your car, I'll go get the things we'll need for the ritual. Willow can go over the details with you and Spike while I'm gone. Buffy, perhaps it would be better if you came with me." Xander handed over his keys and Giles firmly led the pouting Buffy out of the house. Xander then turned to Willow. She looked from Xander to Spike then back then coughed nervously in the awkward silence.


	8. Undead Prostitution

* * *

Undead Prostitution

* * *

Willow moved carefully around the circle she'd drawn on the floor in Buffy's room using black sand and set up the candles. They'd shoved Buffy's bed into the middle of the room and put the circle around it in the interests of space. "There isn't enough open floor space in here so we'll just have to have them sit on the bed." Buffy had insisted, far too cheerfully. "Um, Buffy, you're being a spaz about this. Do you WANT Xander to get together with Spike? You do remember that Spike's a vampire without a soul and that he's a he, right?" Buffy'd shrugged and smiled at her. 

"Oh c'mon, Willow. Its just smoochies in the name of world savage. And I dunno why but the thought of Spike and Xander together just doesn't give me wiggins. Besides, he's chipped and Xander's pretty comfortable with his sexuality, right? There is no bad here." Willow gave her a look that clearly telegraphed what she thought of Buffy's mental state and got to work.

* * *

Directly below her in the living room Giles was setting up an identical circle in which the ghost would be trapped and manifested physically when the guy's sexual energy trigger the spell from above. Xander sat on the couch with a sheet of notebook paper in his hand, trying to memorize the incantation he'd have to say at the end of the spell while Spike silently perused a similar paper while leaning against the coffee table in the corner where they'd shoved the extra furniture out of the way. Xander shot another apprehensive look at the seemingly oblivious vampire and then returned to glaring at his paper. That bastard isn't even nervous! He fumed at the incantation in his hands and then ran through it again in his head. It was only three lines in a pretty straightforward sound-it-out kind of language that he didn't even know the name of.

"Xander, Spike, I believe we are ready." Giles reported. "Please go upstairs and get the girls and then take your positions." Xander gave Giles one last look of "save me!", which was ignored, and followed Spike upstairs in a defeated trudge. In Buffy's room the girls were just finished setting up and Buffy gestured grandly for them to take their placed.

"Um. Why is there a bed?" Xander asked. Buffy gave him a suspiciously innocent look.

"There wasn't enough room without it in the circle." She said and pushed him into the circle. "At least this way you'll have something to hide under if something goes wrong." She chirped. He glared at her, eyes promising revenge. Spike shrugged and hopped on the bed and bounced a little as if testing out the springs. Xander whimpered and Willow patted him on the arm.

"You'll be fine, Xander." She reassured him. "I gave him an extra twenty bucks so he'd promise not to traumatize you too badly." She said with an encourage smile.

"Lets get this show on the road, Harris. I have sleep to do." Spike urged from the bed. Xander took a deep breath and climbed onto the foot of the bed, far away from Spike. The girls walked in a circle lighting all the candles, sealing them in.

"Now the circle will protect you if the ghost freaks out on you guys, so don't' worry about that." Willow instructed. "Give us about five minutes to get the candles all lit downstairs then you can, uh, start with the, uh...yeah." She babbled as she backed out of the room, ushering Buffy behind her. Xander checked his watch so he'd know when to start his panic attack.

As soon as the door closed he ventured a look at Spike. He was sprawled across the bed, arms crossed behind his head, black t-shirt riding up a bit to reveal a band of white abs. He was smirking at Xander. "Hey baby." He purred and wiggled his eyebrows. Xander couldn't take any more. He cracked up. Laughing hysterically, he flopped back across the foot of the bed.

"This is insane!" He gasped after a minute. Spike was grinning.

"I'm pretty sure this is just an elaborate plot by your perverted Slayer to see us make out." He commented. Xander snickered.

"If we catch her peeking during the ritual I'm going to set her on fire." He said and sighed. Looking at his watch he saw that he had two minutes. "How're we going to do this?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Hotly, if we're going to make enough energy to firm up the ghosty." Spike pointed out. "Have to enjoy it." Xander gave him a look. "I'm a right choice piece of arse here, mate. Shouldn't be too difficult." He said defensively. Xander snickered, making the vampire scowl. "Get over here, you git." He commanded reaching forward and snagging Xander's arm and using his unfair strength advantage to haul the unwilling boy up to face him on the bed. "How long?" He asked, pointing at Xander's watch.

He checked it, trying not to think about the vampire that was arranging him as if he were a doll. "One minute." He reported. Spike pushed him into a sitting position against the headboard, legs straight ahead of him.

"Right then. You sit there and be the randy little boy you are and let me do my job." Spike ordered. Xander smirked.

"You sound like a prostitute." Spike raised an eyebrow and swung his leg over Xander, settling down to straddle the human's lap.

"Thats what I am then, your mates are paying me to break your innocent self in, right? Red even gave me a bonus to make it extra special for you." His grin was wolfish. Xander fidgeted, trying to ignore the weight in his lap and the vampire's too close proximity.

"And you're enjoying this way too much." He said, trying to figure out where to put his hands that wouldn't be awkward. "Ten seconds." He warned. Spike grabbed his hands and placed them firmly on his hips and then ran his own hands over Xander's chest and around his neck to curl in thick brown hair. "You know, some day I'm going to make out with someone who isn't evil." He commented idly as Spike's fingers massaged the back of his head. "Time."

Spike moved closer and, staring into Xander's eyes, he started his portion of the incantation in a deep sultry voice that made Xander twitch in surprise. A second later he felt Spike start to grind down into his lap and he was instantly and unexpectedly hard. He clutched at Spike's hips, half wanting to shove him away, and half wanting to pull him closer. Well it was more like one-eighth of him wanted to push away and that fraction was getting smaller the deeper the vampires voice purred.

Spike reached the end of his memorized lines and hesitated for a moment, staring at Xander a thoughtful look on his face. Before Xander could really process it Spike's lips crashed roughly into his. After a second's rough contact Xander gave a mental shrug and let go of the final bit of him that was still rational. He relaxed into the kiss and Spike took the hint. The vampire's lips softened a bit but didn't become any less demanding. Xander let his mouth fall open and shivered at the tongue that was pressed inside his mouth.

Spike made a happy rumbling sound in his throat and, keeping one hand in Xander's hair, he wrapped his other arm around the boys broad shoulder and pulled their chests together. Xander finished the gesture by using his grip to drag their hips together. Spike rewarded the brunet with a suck on his tongue and wrapped both arms around his neck. When he felt the boy's hands start to wander up his back beneath his shirt, he bucked against him, making them both moan.

He groaned, feeling the pressure start to build in the base of his spine. Just as he felt himself nearing the edge, Spike backed off his mouth. He whimpered rather unmanfully but Spike held back. "Chant!" He ordered roughly, still grinding into him. Xander stared at the panting vampire in confusion for a moment before remembering the spell. Spike settled forward against him, licking and sucking at his jaw and throat while Xander mindlessly completed the incantation.

Nothing seemed to happen for a second, but then he felt an electric hand grab him around the balls and then he was screaming in unison with Spike as they convulsed. Every ounce of energy they built up reaching climax was torn from them and channeled down through the circle into the matching one below.


	9. Done and Done

* * *

Done and Done

* * *

The figure of a glowing young man solidified in the circle, before scattering again with a scream as Buffy's axe took off his head. The house fell silent from the howling wind that had filled it a second before. Buffy turned to where Willow and Giles were taking cover behind the couch. "Done and done!" She grinned and then raced for the stairs before they could react. 

Buffy carefully pushed the door to her room open and peeked inside. She was hoping to see something good and she wasn't disappointed. In an unconscious pile were Spike and Xander, happily wrapped around each other in a most provocative manner. Buffy could smell the proof that there'd been a little more than kissing going on in her bed. She backed out of the room and shut the door. She then indulged in a marathon bout of high-pitched squeaked that devolves into giddy giggling. "I knew they had the lusties for each other!" She told Willow triumphantly when she made it back downstairs. Willow looked confused.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" She asked.

"Good thing! Now they'll be kinky sex friends and they'll always be in a good mood! I bet Spike is less annoying when he's getting boffed regularly." She giggled. "And if he does anything mean to Xander I'll just stake him. As I said, there is no bad here."

"Just because they...um...did this spell doesn't mean they're going to get together." Willow pointed out as she gathered candles. Giles had made himself absent at the first sign of where the conversation was going. Buffy dug through the closet looking for the dust buster.

"C'mon, Willow! There was definite vibage there. They've been vibing at each other all week! Did you know that Spike already sleeps in Xander's bed?" She told her friend. She found the dust buster and knelt next to the sand. "It's a forgone conclusion, Wills." She said and ended the debate by turning on the vacuum.

Upstairs the conclusion was neither for, nor gone. Spike woke first, his vampire physiology recovering from the energy drain before the human's. He sat up from where he was slumped over Xander's chest and blinked sleepily at the sleeping boy. Xander looked uncomfortable scrunched into the headboard. Spike took pity on him and tugged him bodily down the bed until he was laying flat, then promptly lay back down on the warm human body. Xander mumbled something in his sleep and his arms came up around the smaller vampire's back.

Spike buried his face in the boy's neck and darted a few licks over his jugular, sighing wistfully. The boy tasted good, all that salty sweat and wholesome goodness. Spike was hungry too, and uncomfortable in his drying cum-stained pants. He couldn't imagine Harris felt any better. He licked at Xander's chin and watched as the human struggled to leave sleep behind.

Brown eyes flickered open and looked into the vampire's blue ones. "Did it work?" He asked with a yawn. Spike shrugged and made no move to climb off his human mattress.

"Don't hear any screamin'. Don't smell any blood. Must've worked." Spike answered. "We could do it again just to make certain?" He suggested with a crafty smile. Xander blinked at him.

"You are a weird, weird vampire." He reported. Spike took on an offended look.

"What's weird 'bout a vampire who enjoys a good shag?"

"That wasn't a shag, Spike. That was...um..." Xander scowled.

"That was two blokes humping to a screaming orgasm." Spike supplied cheerfully. "It was fun. Let's do it again." He wriggled against Xander provocatively. Xander shook himself convulsively and shoved him off, pretending like that hadn't felt good.

"I hafta make sure everyone is okay." He muttered and stumbled out of the room. His head was spinning. What the hell was that? Spike was coming on to me! I'm a good shag! He hyperventilated a little as he made his way down the stairs. "Buffy? Is everyone alive? Did it work? Can I murder you now?" He called out. Buffy and Willow appeared from the kitchen and showered him with eager smiles.

"It worked! Bad ghost went bye bye. How was it? Enthusiastic and sweaty? You going to do it again?" Buffy chirped at him. He blinked.

"You and Spike are in cahoots, aren't you?" He asked suspiciously. "This is all a twisted plot to get a vampire in my pants so I'll apologize for being mean about Angel, isn't it?" Buffy looked at him like he was the crazy one. "I'm on to you and your evil plot! And I'll have you know that you failed! Spike didn't get in my pants because my pants never came off! HA!" He babbled, a crazy look in his eye.

"We can tell." Willow said slyly, darting a look at the front of his pants. He looked down and saw the big stain on the front and groaned.

"Kill me." He begged while the girls cracked up. He sighed and left to go home without another word. When Spike came down the stairs wearing his duster suspiciously closed and looking like the cat who got the canary, the girls just giggled harder.

"Ran home, now, did he?" He asked casually. Buffy snickered and Willow managed to hold up a hand to stall him.

"Maybe you should wait until after his panic attack before you go after him again." She suggested. He raised his eyebrow at her. "That and it's all sunshiney outside and you'll get all flamey." She pointed out. He frowned.

"Don't worry, Spike, maybe if you wait he'll come to you?" Buffy encouraged him. He flopped on the couch and gave her a weird look. She just smiled.


	10. A Compilation of Issues

* * *

A Compilation of Issues

* * *

Xander went straight home to his dank basement, locked the door and jumped in a steaming shower in which he had a meltdown of a sort. Okay, why did I enjoy that so much? Spike obviously did, he wants more. Buffy wants me to have more. What the hell is going on? Has the world gone mad? I made out with and humped a chipped vampire to save a book from a ghost that had every right to be all haunty and how the hell'm I ever going to be able to look anyone in the face ever again! He whimpered and rested his head on the cool tile in the shower. 

Calm down, Xan. Let's take this issue by issue, shall we. Number One: am I attracted to Spike? He thought about how it felt to have Spike glued to him, kissing him, and cumming while in his lap. Then he realized that wished he would have messed up Spike's hair when he had the chance. Helmet hair bugged him. But looking down at his hard-on he realized that yes, he was attracted to Spike. Umkay, fine. I am. He's an attractive person, all flawless perdy muscles. No one can blame me for enjoying his attentions.

Number Deux: Do I want to shag Spike silly? Yet again, little Xander answered for him. He sighed. Number Three: He's evil! Little Xander didn't seem to care about that one and Big Xander simply got an image in his head of Spike sleeping on his feet, snuggled adorably into his duster. Well that old Tomcat is evil and I let him in my bed... He considered. And who ever said that the opportunity will ever present itself again? I turned him down and it's not like he's following me around like a lovesick fool. He'll probably forget any of it happened. He considered his possible plans of action. Fine, if he offers again I won't say no, but I won't make any offers myself. He decided and moved on to the next issue.

Number Four: Buffy is insane and she needs to suffer vengeance. He pondered that concept as he took care of his hard-on, and then decided just to ponder Buffy naked. Then he pondered Buffy and Spike naked and then ended with that strange concept firmly in mind. "And now we've entered the uber-twilight zone." He informed himself and got out of the shower. He pulled on a pair of plain white boxers and crawled into bed for an extreme nap. The spell had taken quite the toll on his energy stores.

Xander woke in the middle of the night to a feeling of deja vu. He stayed quiet, once again, trying to discern just what had woken him. He couldn't see anything out of place in the dark and he didn't hear anything. He looked up at the cracked window above the bed, waiting for the anticipated yowl. That's when he noticed the smell.

He sniffed deeply and frowned. There was a slight breeze drifting through the window and it carried the scent of cigarette smoke on it. His first thought went to Spike. But why would Spike be outside when he never showed any qualms about breaking in uninvited? Weird. Maybe it wasn't Spike. It could just as easily be a different type of creature of the night. Or it could even be a burglar casing the joint. The thought of someone wanting any of his crap almost made him laugh but he stifled it in case he missed a sound to clue him in.

A second later he heard the sound that he'd expected first. The impatient yowl of the stupid cat demanding entrance. Xander rolled his eyes and was sitting up when he registered a different sound, someone whispering. He froze, listening.

"No! Shut the bloody hell up you git!" A familiar British voice threatened. The cat yowled again. "Shut it or I'll bite you!" The voice sounded worried. The cat yowled again, sounding put-upon. "I'll rip off your tail you twit!" A hissing sound and then a string of whispered curses. "That soddin' hurt!"

Xander had to clamp his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. Apparently Spike was stalking his house and had met his match. He bit his lip to keep from cackling and rolled out of bed, wrapping his blanket around him. He made his way to the door wondering why vicious strays always found him so appealing. In fact, "vicious stray" would work to describe most of the women he'd dated in the past.

When he opened the door the stray wasn't waiting like usual. Puzzled, he made his way around the side of the house to the windows and stopped when he found Spike and the Tomcat engaged in a staring contest. Spike had his vamp face on and was stooped over so he could look the cat in the eye. Xander was fascinated at the clash between two sets of such creepy yellow, unblinking eyes. Neither of them noticed his approach.

"Y'know, instead of yowling outside the window, Spike, you could just knock." He commented, smirking when the vampire and the cat both jumped turned to face him. The cat mewled plaintively and threw an evil look at the vampire before moving across the lawn to wind himself around Xander's bare feet. Spike was still glaring death at the cat. "Come inside and I'll let you sleep on my feet." Xander offered, turning to head back to the door. He paused and threw a grin back at Spike. "If you can fight off the little kitty-cat." Spike snarled, but followed him and the cat back into the basement.

As was his custom, the cat jumped on the bed and meowed imperiously for Xander to assume his usual position. He did as he was ordered and then turned in bed to look at the vampire who stood scowling at the cat. "Bossy thing, innit?" He crossed his arms over his chest and proceeded to pout through his fangs at the cat on Xander's feet. "Stole my spot." He whined.

Xander sighed and moved over a bit, ignoring the displeased growl from the cat as it was forced to move with his feet. "Sleep here. Just take off your damn boots." He ordered. For once the vampire obeyed and sat on the edge of the bed to pull off his boots. He then shucked off his duster and flung it over the cat which hissed and then remade the leather into a new bed. Spike pulled off his t-shirt then squirmed out of his tight jeans to reveal a very familiar pair of boxers. "Spike, why are you wearing my Lara Croft boxers?" Xander asked, bemused. Spike merely grinned and slid into bed beside the sleepy human.

"I'm evil?" He offered. Xander sighed and after a moment's consideration, he looped an arm around the vampire's waist and pulled him into his side. "Wanna shag?" The vampire asked, sounding surprised but pleased. Xander snorted and nuzzled the side of his head.

"Nah. Wanna sleep. Ask me later." He muttered and was soon fast asleep, snuggled up to a dead guy with an evil cat guarding his feet from everyone including himself.

* * *

Yeah. So that's it. And stuff. Time to take off my Crazy-Hat and think Rational thoughts for a bit... Review or you'll be cursed with a stray that WON'T look sexy in leather...  



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